Paradise+ (Yuri) )

[Yuri_Kun]

Hey guys.. I decide to join up and better myself in the evn anyway I can. You may know me as Sexy Yuri on Lsf..


From Left to right: Sena, Kotori, Sae, Yui, Ayu and Nonami.


New Plot:
Sena finally has reached her last year of high school. Everything was going fine. She had her best friend Kokoro by her side, and a carefree life at her father's home. Her parents had divorced several years ago, but she didn't mind. She wasn't too fond of her mother anyway. One day, she and Kokoro made a grave mistake. As a result, her father exiles her out his home. Sena is forced to move in with her mother, no matter how much she opposes it. In this home which wasn't a home, no one knows of her life with her father. She has a new identity in her mother's town. She's going to be busy dealing with life, and she really can't trust anyone but her friend Jaden in her mother's town. Will she be able to look beyond her past?

Genre: Slice of life, yuri and romance

Setting: High School and other places(Sorry guys..)

Note: We are trying to break off the stereotypical yuri game trend. Please support us and criticism is are welcome. Just don't prejudge the game before trying it please.

Protagonist:

Sena: The protagonist of the visual novel. She struggling to understand true love.. She has sympathic personality, is very nurturing person, and is a bit of an airhead at times She is self-conscious and tries to do the right thing even if hurts inside.

Love Interest:


Ruri: Sena’s younger sister that Sena never knew existed. She hides her sorrow and pain, keeping an emotionless facial expression at all times. Now, living with her older sister will she treat her like regular sister or will she..

Sae: Sena’s childhood friend that she didn’t see in years. Now, meeting again after their separation will their friendship continue on or blossom into something more.

Yui: Sena’s classmate and born and raised in the town. She is a kind face that reaches Sena in the first day of school. Will she be different then ones back from where use to live.

Please help to reach our goal: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/10312 ... e&a=529650

Staff:
Writer: Yuri Kun(Me!)
Programmer: Scotty
Artist: Domdozz
Proofreader: Darkspartan and Anarchy
Music and sfx: N/A(Looking for one)
Voices: N/A (Looking for one. If you are interested then hit me up an email.)
Background: Deviantmanga

[Auro-Cyanide]

You might want to elaborate on what exactly what you want feedback on. What type of things you are working on now, what types of problems you are having, how you are going to break stereotypes, that type of thing. It's very hard to just comment on a concept in a constructive way without more information

[Yuri_Kun]

Sorry about that ^^;;

The problems I having is basically that I want to appeal to both audience and not wow.. flap fest or something like that. I want to make well develop story and not typical yuri visual that they made in japan..

I want feedback on the plot itself.. If it too predictable or not.. Wondering if my hook is okay.. I'm wondering about the character even though they have short descriptions.. I'm pretty much some female feedback on somethings because I only can imagine what's going on in there head..

[Auro-Cyanide]

That's cool

Maybe start off by explaining what you think are some stereotypes that you think won't appeal to certain audiences and what you think you could do to address them. Even if you aren't totally sure what other people think, you probably know of some things since you consider it a problem to begin with.

There is also a chance for you to specifically explain what you want to do with the game. It isn't really necessary to appeal to everyone. There is nothing inherently wrong with pandering to a specific set of interests if that is what you really want to do. While it's good to be conscious of what is going to actively offend large sections of people, doing something that may just cater to a certain group isn't a bad thing. I mean, what I would find appealing in Yuri is going to be different from what some guys might find appealing, which will be different from other guys, which will be different from homosexual girls. You can't really cater to everyone at the same time and that's okay. It's best to do what you find interesting first and foremost.

That said, if you are worried something is actually going to be offensive to women and you prefer to avoid that (I mean that it would actually make a lot of us angry or roll our eyes, not just disinterested or homophobia) than feel free to put it up for opinions

[Yuri_Kun]

Yay for being cool.

I know that I can't please everyone but I can't help trying.. xD Well, either yuri is comes off and just porn(Which is okay at times) or just fan services. I'm guessing some stereotypes would be that everyone pretty happy and are gay. It's fine on it's own but I want to test my waters in adding realistic approach to it.. Not everyone will be accept of it.. Well, from what I seen so far.. the relationship are built pretty fast and I feel pretty lost in it. Kinda of want to feel for the pair in good light or the bad light.. Not just let's get into bed and all that jazz..

That is true that everyone opinions are different and might clash with each other.. I will try my best to not have it all man fantasy inside the game.. I know so girls would play it.. That is why probably need girl assistance.. Right now, I'm trying to study josei because I kinda of like their stuff kind of better than the male counterpart..

[quoteThat said, if you are worried something is actually going to be offensive to women and you prefer to avoid that (I mean that it would actually make a lot of us angry or roll our eyes, not just disinterested or homophobia) than feel free to put it up for opinions ][/quote]
Will do! If I have doubts then I will chuck it.

[Auro-Cyanide]

Some things I can think off of the top of my head that you might want to think about if you are aiming for girls to like it too are:

-You know that infamous scene in Sugar's Delight that pretty much made every girl go 'Augh D:'? Avoid those. If girls are doing something for pleasure, make sure it would actually be pleasurable, not gross and an active health hazard.

-Avoid scenes and poses that pretty much amount to broke back syndrome (it's basically when artists pretty much break a character's spine in order for her to show both her boobs and butt at the same time) http://goodcomics.comicbookresources.co ... backr2.jpg

-If you are going for realism, make sure your girls act, well, real. This goes for all sides of all the fences, but since we are talking about your game in particular here, I'll stick with girls. A lot of the time when I read these characters, they don't feel real to me. They are kind of meant to be cute or something but I just sit there thinking 'No-one I know acts like this :/ I don't act like this'. Often fantasy is a huge part of these games, but when they stop being relatable as people, then you are going to have trouble drawing in people who aren't that interested in just dating the girls. So if I was looking for one of these games to play I would be looking for a game were the girl characters acted in a relatable way to me. Being all cutesy or Tsundere or whatever isn't going to hold my attention for long and is most likely going to annoy me. Like a lot of otome heroines. It's pretty obvious when a writing is working with an ideal and when they are working with a character with depth.

As for whether your story or characters sound predictable or cliche, I would really have to know more, like see some character dialogue or something like that.

[Yuri_Kun]

I remember that.. xD I didn't like it much either..

I'm planning to avoid what's going on in Sugar Delight.. I will definitely avoid what they did besides the pretty artwork.

Oh wow.. I learn a new term today. I will tell my artist not to do the broke back syndrome then.. I find it very interesting. Now, I have to back and if I can spot it. P:

Umm... I will try to make them real as I can.. Yeah, I want them to be cutesy and stuff but they have a soul so I will try to make them all different and feel real.

How about I just post some of script here or somewhere private if you want to take a look it. This will be hard to write but I think I can do it.

[Auro-Cyanide]

That sounds like a good idea If you don't want to post actual parts of the script, maybe you can post a small skit of 2 or more characters interacting (or a monologue of the main character). Something like the main character interacting with one of her parents, or two of the girls at school before the new girl comes.

[Yuri_Kun]

[Auro-Cyanide]

How old are the girls in that part of the story? And what is the setting/time period for it?

The first bit is cute and fluffy, and suits what you are going for.

The bit about questioning gender and sexuality... I think it's too complicated for a child. This is something teenagers and adults struggle with. Children on the other hand tend to be... far more fluid with their understanding of subjects. It gives the impression that they are innocent and naive when really their impressions of the world are less stuck in habit. They are starting to learn about social norms and yet they tend to be abstract concepts that haven't yet been ingrained as definites. Ideas of gender and sexuality have started to form but they are often seperate from their own feelings on the issues. Children are very good at holding on to more than one reality at any one time, much better than adults. I feel like Megumi's thought pattern is far to 'adult' for a child (including the use of the expression 'make-out'). You probably know that children often have 'boyfriends' and 'girlfriends' but it's far removed from sexuality and sometimes even love. Friends are usually far stronger bonding partners. Gender does tend to be an issue with children, especially those of transgender, because there is so much pressure by society to comform to 'boy' and 'girl'. Sexuality is much more less of an issue. Boys and girls think each other have germs is an example of this. Kids just think about things differently. I remeber the boys in primary school getting the definitions of 'periods' and 'hormones' mixed up, much to the girl's amusement.

My best advice is to remember what you thought as a child. How much did you know about sexuality and gender? Also, I think this is a brillant example of how fluid a childs grasp of something can be http://lgbtqgmh.tumblr.com/post/1832727 ... ove-can-we